Tap versus bottled water? No contest.
14 May 2008
Hello and welcome. If you can all settle down, we'll have time for questions at the end. But we've got a lot to get through so I'll get on. Firstly, thank you for coming. This is a momentous day for thirsty citizens everywhere. Please, help yourself to jugs of iced tap water on the side - I think you'll find it most refreshing. And please, drink as much as you like - it's free.
Can I say how thrilling it is to be launching this new Tap enterprise.
It's funny, but only recently bottled water was the preserve of yuppies, neurotics and millionaire recluses. Then something happened and we were all drinking it. You see, what many people don't know is that the water industry is just a practical joke gone out of control. No, really - it is. One smooth talking marketing executive bet another smooth talking marketing executive that he couldn't sell bottles of water to people who had clean, free H2O out of their taps. It was a corporate dare, so to speak. But Smooth Talking Marketing Executive #1 lost.
Sadly, so did we.
And so did the planet. Because twenty years later, we're spending billions of pounds, chucking away billions of bottles, burning up millions of tonnes of fossil fuels and wasting billions of gallons of water to, well, make water.
It's a latter day emperor's new clothes... And we're just gawping, and gulping.
Tap aren't the only ones to decide that enough is enough - but we are the only ones who are going to play the marketing game right back in their faces. Our plan, because we don't make a secret of it, is to sell tap water with the same kind of marketing sophistication as the Coca Cola's of this world. But there's a few important differences.
Firstly, this is a charitable enterprise. 70% of our profits will go to fund water projects in the developing world. And no, Volvic, we don't mean inventing some spurious CSR campaign to make our damaged brand look a little bit more appetising.
Secondly, we're interested in promoting envrionmentally sensitive, lasting, sustainable solutions. Our re-usable water bottles are designed to be kept, not thrown away. We've pulled out all the stops to create a product of high quality. Yes, it's plastic. But this is plastic that you'll keep. Interesting concept. Just to be on the safe side though, we're committed to running a carbon neutral business and ensuring all our manufacturers are reviewed by Ethical Trading Initiative auditors.
Thirdly, we're going to get people to re-think bottled water. We're asking people to look once again at the emperor without his clothes, to see beyond the advertising, and choose tap. Because it makes sense. Because it's right. Because it's the smart thing to do.
And finally, we're going to do everything with complete honesty, integrity and transparency. (Any marketing executives out there - we can explain these concepts to you if you have a moment...).
Well, it's been a long day and I'm sure you all have much work to do. For any of you who might have had a glass too many, you'll find the bathrooms just on the left as you go out. And once again, thank you for your time.
Bin the bottle - turn on to tap!
thank you.
